It is a privilege to sit inside of a conflict, which is what I do as a mediator. Or rather, on a GOOD day, it’s what I do. A bad day for a mediator is when the conflict never shows up in all its layers and complications. I had two of these kinds of mediations recently. Each one felt like a blow to the chest…or, (same locale but more descriptive)…to my heart.

…The shift in a mediation session occurs when parties loosen their grip on an idea…when they let go their attachment to a view to consider a new perspective or a creative compromise. I feel honored to observe this happening at the mediation table. One couple, in particular, comes to mind. Here’s their story…

My husband and I were lucky enough this summer to attend an adult version of “summer camp.” We accepted a gracious offer to stay in a family member’s vacant high rise condominium, overlooking all of downtown Portland, Oregon. We stayed for 5 weeks and entertained 13 visitors. Our adventures were of all types – physical (lots of hiking and crazy yoga with youngsters), emotional (you try being middle aged and plunking yourself down in a new city with few reference points) and spiritual (opportunities for deep connections with visiting friends and family). One of the spiritual adventure days is a story worth telling.

…It occurs to me that my dirty wall is a lot like mediation. An old problem that feels unsolvable transforms when new information and the perspective of a stranger viewing from the outside mix together. Most clients begin a mediation saying, “There is no hope that things are going to change.” And then they start talking. New information comes forward…a compromise not offered before, an expression of feelings, an admission of responsibility or an apology…

Today I share one of my favorite mediation stories about clients whose success still makes me smile. Theirs is an example of why mediation is the optimal way to resolve problems. First the story, followed by the takeaway.

As a mediator, I rarely hear details about a conflict over the telephone before I meet clients. I prefer this “blind” approach because I enter mediations without preconceived notions. Furthermore, I don’t want either party to feel like I’ve listened to complaints or judgments behind the other’s back. Keeping the pre-mediation conversation to a minimum helps me maintain both real and perceived neutrality.

One of the great mediators of our time, Marshall Rosenberg, says that when someone speaks to us in an upsetting way, we have three choices: 1. We can take the words personally (ex: “He is out to get me!”); 2. We can pass judgment on the speaker, (ex: “My boss isn’t nearly as smart as he thinks he is.”); or, 3. We can listen empathically,